Let’s talk about sex
Photography by artist unknown.
We have all seen these magazines with advices of what we should do to have a better sexual life, as it would be the same 5 steps journey for everybody. I am sorry to be the one who breaks that bubble, but it’s that easy.
The truth is that the reasons why our sex life is not working as we desire it’s closely related with other themes that we are struggling in life. Therefore what might work for me can be completely useless for you, and that’s okay. What this shows us is that we will have to work on ourselves if we want to get whatever we dream with, as there are no “quick” fixes here.
Today I will speak about the 5 parts of your life that, if you look at with enough curiosity, can help you create the sexual life you wish to have.
1) Relationship with your body.
Many of us have learn to live a life disconnected from our bodies. There are different reasons why we do this as unprocessed painful experiences, the alienation of our bodies or/and a strong force of shame apply towards our bodies, to name a few.
The reality is that our body is a source of wisdom that tells us what we need as individuals. And, this capacity is basic for a healthy sexuality. What I mean with this is that during a sexual experience it's essential to be in tune with our bodies, so we can know what we like, what we don’t like, what is working and what is not, where are our boundaries or how to open our bodies for pleasure.
The first step to growing a relationship with our body is to create space for it. Begin by giving yourself time to connect with your body through movement, meditation, or a massage; you can do any activity that helps you be present with your body. After growing this connection, begin to respect your body desires by doing actions accordingly.
When you to listen to your body, you will experience how your body begins to show you more clearly what it needs.
2) Get curious about your sexual life.
We tend to think that our sexual life is not working for just one specific reason. By doing so, we forget that when we have sex, we are having sex with everything we are. With our hopes, our minds, our unprocessed experiences, everything that we are is being cracked open. Having sex is, for me, the most vulnerable experience in this world. At least, that is how I decide to experience sex. I choose to open myself with my vulnerabilities to the person with who I decide to be with.
I say this because this makes each sexual experience different. We are different each day, and so how we experience sex changes too.
I would like to encourage you to open yourself to discover what you like each time you interact with your lover. See it with playfulness and giving yourself the opportunity to be curious.
3) Open communication.
Communication is what lets us express who we are in the form of words. We define with them how we feel, what we want, and what matters for us.
When I speak about open communication in this context, I talk about creating with whoever you are having sex with a safe space to express who each of you wants and needs to express. This is crucial as no human being is equal, and no human being experiences sexuality in the same way.
Sadly, most of us haven't grown having open communication. This makes that we will need to learn it when we are adults if we want to change this vicious loop.
Something that I encourage you to do is to ask yourself what you need to feel safe when you are communicating in this context. It might be the first time that you ask yourself this, or it might be that you realize that you actually don’t feel safe with your lover, and that’s okay. What matters is what you choose to do now.
You can speak with this person and express how you would like it to be your communication in the future. Something that I like to do is when something that I am saying is vulnerable for me; I express this to my lover out loud. In this way, I don’t have to hold myself back in expressing my emotions, and this takes out a lot of pressure.
4) Listen to your pussy.
If you have worked with me, you most probably know how much importance I give to listening to our pussy. If we suffer a lot of shame related with our bodies, our pussies are most likely the main part where we direct this shame.
This is not a surprise as there is an ideal of “purity” that has been imprinted into women, and everything that makes us “impure” is closely related to this part of our bodies.
I personally don’t if someone ever specifically told it to me, but I definitely remember growing up with a feeling that vulvas are ugly and dirty. And it took a lot of work from my side to grow a connection with it and see its beauty.
The truth is that connecting with your pussy will completely change your life. When you begin to cultivate this connection, you will experience how everything becomes more clear you know what you want, with who you want to sleep with and with who you don’t, what feels right and what doesn’t and a big etcetera.
I will speak much more about this theme in the future because I am really passionate about it. But if you want to begin to connect with your pussy, I encourage you to lay down, place your hands in your pussy, breathe, stay there, and see what comes.
It can seem simple and useless, but this experience is truly transformative. And it will lead you to many stories stored in this part of your body that is important that you look at and processed to unblock who you are.
5) Be patient.
And to finish, be patient. A lot of negative ideas have been imprinted around female sexuality, which makes that if you want to feel an empowered sexual woman, you will have to work to let these ideas go and create new positive stories.
It is a long journey, and I would even say it is a life journey. Therefore take your time to celebrate whatever you accomplish and learn, and don’t rush through the process.
It is maybe the hardest of the 5 tips as you might feel that you should already know or that you should be able to please your lover. The truth is that most people have no clue about sexuality, simply because most people don't get any education around it. On the other hand, if you feel like you should please your lover I would like to remind you that in your sex life the most important part is you. As long as you are working with it, you are doing the best you can. And eventually, you will get to enjoy your sexuality with your lover, but please don’t put any more pressure on you as this will only make it harder.
Do you want to work and learn more about your Sexuality?
Join my upcoming Women’s Sexuality Online Course here
If you saw yourself in any of the situations I spoke about, but you don’t know how to work on it, and you want support along this journey, that’s exactly what I do. You can book an online private session with me here
Subscribe to my monthly newsletter to receive the upcoming events, news and poems or stories about being a woman here
The erotic act of kissing
Imagine this. It is sunny, you feel the warmth of the sun in your naked legs. You look to the eyes of your lover and slowly put your lips closer to his/her lips, feeling the breath of each other. You touch his thigh slowly from lower to the upper side, and then you begin to play with your lips and his/her lips. You press your chest closer to his chest and your bodies get hot. Your lips become wet and your tongues begin to play together, finding their language, their rhythm.
We used to expend hours in a situation like the one I describe above when we were teenagers. Just kissing. Then we became adults and many of us forgot about the power that something as simple as a kiss can have to turn us on.
When a relationship starts to go sour, couples usually stop kissing on the lips before they stop having intercourse. I fnd this fact fascinating.
First of all, many people tend to see sex as only the intercourse moment, but sex can be much more than just that. Another misunderstanding is that we need to learn complex skills to have a good sex life. Don’t get me wrong, new skills are always great but in my experience, that is not what will your sex life delicious.
In my experience, good sex life comes from the ability of creating intimacy with your partner and from going back to the basis. Going back to get excited about a kiss, about having the body of lover close to you, without expecting anything else.
Next time that you see your lover take your time to discover his/her lips, to touch consciously his/ her body, to play & find how the body of your lover reacts.
And then ask your lover to kiss you the way he or she likes to be kissed. It’s pure magic. Just sit back let him or her take over and enjoy. You’ll learn all kind of things.
Lots of love,